Yes to empathy. No to burnout
Lessons from Jacinda Ardern
Have you seen Hamilton? If you haven’t, I would highly recommend, if only to be able to recall the date of The Battle of Yorktown to win a pub quiz. (1781. A true story, and no, not ashamed to admit I learned this from a musical rather than actually history class). I digress. Earlier this week I was reminded of the song ‘One Last Time’ which perfectly captures George Washington’s farewell address with the lyric ‘we’re gonna teach them how to say goodbye’; a line in which has particular relevance to the events of the week.
On Thursday morning the Northern Hemisphere woke up to the news that Jacinda Ardern, Prime Minister of New Zealand had announced her resignation citing she “no longer has enough in the tank”. The message was clear: that burnout is real and more importantly that we shouldn’t be ashamed of it. Wow. Talk about vulnerability, Brené Brown would be proud.
Why am I such a Jacinda Ardern fangirl? Let me count the ways...
Throughout her presidency she has constantly demonstrated what it is to be a leader. Need I remind you this is the woman who in 2017 became the youngest Prime Minister in the world aged 37, only the second world leader to give birth in office, made history by attending the U.N General Assembly global summit with her newborn daughter, led her nation through a global pandemic and provided comfort in the aftermath of an atrocious act of terrorism. I love her mostly because, during these 6 brutal years, she consistently led with empathy and kindness, thus proving to the world that women can be fierce leaders but without being feared.
Six years ago in 2017, I called my Mum in tears, and through squelchy sobs I asked her “do I have to be a b**** to move forwards in my career?!” Mum as always, listened calmly and stated that no, I didn’t, that I had to remain true to myself and that the right role would come along. She was of course right, but despite her wise words, in the moment all I felt was the bitter taste of failure. The reason being that I had just been overlooked for an internal promotion and whilst disappointing, the feedback was even more so. Word for word I was told: “you didn’t get the job, but X thinks you're lovely”. X is male for the record. Sometime in that very same month, I got to the final interview for a position working agency side for a fashion client, only to be told we (both women) wouldn’t get on, because, you’ve guessed it, I was ‘too nice’. Never having met the woman in question, I still wonder if she wanted a mean counterpart, but still, no job in luxury fashion for me. These two events were not the only ones but you can assume a similar pattern of events and I will save you some repetitive stories with different beginnings but scarily similar endings.
Now, did I ask for clearer feedback in the days that followed - no I did not, and this is on me. Do I regret that? Sometimes, but not enough to think about it too much, and perhaps a topic for another day. You might also be thinking that there could be a plethora of other reasons I was not suited to these roles, but given this was all the feedback deemed legitimate enough to be shared, it’s all I can go off. Both hiring managers were male and both had the same conclusion - that despite my skills and experience I was ‘too nice”, this was not a quality and instead a black mark against my application. How many of you have been told this exact same thing? How many of your male friends, partners, family have been told they are ‘too nice’ in the same situation? In the name of research, I asked my boyfriend, he was confused by the question; “why would someone say that to me?” I rest my case.
Being ‘too nice’ was and is a lazy, misconstrued label given in the absence of empathy being viewed as a skillset deemed worthy enough to be judged at all, let alone positively. But then a few months later, along came trailblazing Jacinda Ardern who was redefining what it is to be a leader, female or otherwise and when this New York Times article came out, I read the below quote from her and finally, I felt seen.
One of the criticisms I've faced over the years is that I'm not aggressive enough or assertive enough, or maybe somehow, because I'm empathetic, it means I'm weak.
I totally rebel against that. I refuse to believe that you cannot be both compassionate
and strong.
Jacinda Ardern. New York Times, 2018.
The term ‘Empathetic Leader’ was not yet familiar term in 2017/2018 and definitely not widely accepted. But Jacinda Ardern was now in power and for me at least, she was about to change that, providing validation to every woman who had ever felt that being compassionate or kind or even nice was a weakness. She not only told the world but also showed us that no, you don’t have a to be a b**** and I’m going to prove it to you, and that she did.
Years before Jacinda Ardern was even born, even Al Capone a.k.a ‘Scarface’ himself was famously quoted as having said “do not mistake my kindness for weakness”. OK, yes he was a notorious gangster and in turn the ‘kindness’ he refers to is outrageously subjective, but still I’m pretty sure no one saw him as weak. The supervillain of the 1920s is perhaps a tenuous link to the modern workplace, it’s such a badass quote, and fun fact: I’ve also used this one before in a tricky situation - worked a treat.
But ladies, we have a long way to go.
Recently I saw a LinkedIn post written by a guy who wanted to initiate a conversation around the lack of women in leadership positions within the creative industry, to which I applaud. He stated that according to a 2019 AIGA Eye on Design Census, 61% of designers working today are women, so whilst there aren’t less women in design, it is clear there are significantly less women in management positions in the creative industry, why? There are many reasons for this, some most likely very personal, but reflecting on my experiences above, it’s one thing to enter this industry, but it’s totally another thing to climb within it. There are many different challenges, but how can any woman move up in the ranks when the very people currently in positions to help shift the needle continue to view us as ‘lovely’ or ‘nice’ and even worse, use it as a reason for rejection?
I could, and I’m sure I will, talk about the power of empathy for hours as a leadership skill, by no means is it the only way to lead but let’s acknowledge that it shouldn’t be ignored and never underestimated. In a world that is in dire need of more empathy and kindness, if it’s not valued, be warned - those who have these skills will simply walk away and find somewhere else to flourish.
This brings me neatly back to the original resignation. Not unlike George Washington, Jacinda Ardern recognised when to quit, when to relinquish power and how to take control of her narrative; all very smart decisions and deserve the utmost respect. In fact, by stepping down with such integrity, she has subsequently applied her own leadership philosophy of empathy and kindness on herself. What an absolute inspiration.
"You can be kind, but strong, empathetic but decisive, optimistic but focused. And you can be your own kind of leader – one who knows when it’s time to go."
Jacinda Ardern 2023
Jacinda, thank you for leading with authenticity and compassion, for showing us true leadership and teaching us ‘how to say goodbye’ with thoughtfulness and dignity.
Mirror moments:
These are my learnings related to each post that I’m sharing in case they are helpful for you too. Think of them as ‘self reflections’ or ‘key takeaways’:
Never not be ‘you’. Authenticity wins, everytime
Burnout is real, it’s not failure and do not be ashamed, please ask for help
Put yourself and your health first. Always
Know when it’s your time to go
Go and watch Hamilton again
Some relevant resources:
‘Brene Brown, The Power of Vulnerability’ Ted Talk 2010
‘Lady of The Rings - Jacinda Ardern’. New York Times 2018
Great summary of Jacinda Ardern’s best quotes / speeches. Grazia 2023
What has your experience been?
Please do share in the comments, I would LOVE to hear from you, including any advice of your own for those reading She is Creative.